20 pounds in five hours

April 10, 2019

So, I was back at the auto mechanic’s today.  I feel like it’s been a second home lately from the brake jobs to wiring issues to whatever. I had a flat tire this morning, pumped it up hoping for the best. Lost twenty pounds in five hours and it was back to the mechanic. He was super nice, though. After all of the money I’ve given him, he took a screw out of the tire, plugged it up and sent me off gratis.

I think I used gratis right.

Lately, I have been having a hard time moving past things like this. Things that disrupt my day. It feels like my nerves are just shot. Even a little thing just fucks it up. My mood is crap. My temper is crap. More and more often I find myself consciously backing away from dealing with everyone. Just because I know it could all go to hell pretty quickly over relatively minor things.

Anyway. 20 pounds of air pressure in five hours.

Advertisements

Cancer Blowing In The Wind

April 4, 2019

There are times where even I have to comment on the level of stupidity I am forced to witness. The idea that wind turbines cause cancer is just stupid. It’s not even misinformed, it’s not informed at all. And, honestly, it’s this sort of stupidity that makes it increasingly difficult to respect folks who vote republican in general, and who support this president in particular.  People can disagree on issues where there is a level of honesty, and where the points being debated are actually debatable. I’m pro choice, but I can understand the moral argument against it. And, frankly, the gut level uneasiness for the procedure itself outside of morning after pills. I get where there is an argument there.

But things like this, where a politician is just saying random stupid dishonest crap? He knows it won’t matter, he knows the GOP will protect him and, in the end, support him. They’ll find some roundabout way of arguing he’s right, or more likely they’ll say he’s joking. It’s just as shitty of a joke as it is a dishonest statement, though. Hey, you’re going to get cancer! What about that is funny? It’s not, and he wasn’t joking. He was lobbing political red meat because that’s all he does.

I’m just going to end it here. I think I just had to gripe about the stupidity of this for a moment.

This isn’t like donating a building

March 15, 2019

The whole college cheating thing is clinging to the headlines, largely on the backs of a couple of actresses. The details are ugly. Some wealthy people paid to cheat on exams. They paid to bribe coaches of some less popular (but usually “elite”) college sports to help grease the skids to get kids in on for athletic reasons when the kid never played the sports in question. Yeah, some other deserving kids probably missed out (or maybe some other wealthy kids didn’t get in unfairly because these other wealthy kids beat them to the punch. Oh, the irony.).

But I just keep going back to this line I heard on the radio, from whatever government agency was giving a press conference about it. “This isn’t like donating a building.”

well, bullshit.

It’s wealthy people exploiting a system because they have a bunch of money to get what they want. The issue is that these folks paid a lot of money, but I don’t think they paid new library money. And that’s the problem. In a weird way, they were bringing the whole “buy my kid into a great school” down a notch to a lower level of crazy wealth. This isn’t just for the ungodly wealthy, but now the purely godly wealthy can do it, too.

And for someone like me, yeah, this is functionally the same as the guy who donates a building to get his kid in. Either way the school is admitting a kid who didn’t earn it. Either way a deserving kid is supposedly not getting that spot because they couldn’t donate enough money to have a residence dorm named after them.

If you want me to take this seriously, then remove the influence of money entirely. How you do that, I don’t know. But until you do, I’m not going to get up in arms over an actress blowing $15K to make sure her daughter had some kickin’ SAT scores. It’s just life in America. It’s how it works.

Getting Started

March 6, 2019

Alright, it’s been a rough month or so. We’ve had a couple of funerals. We’ve been sick. I’m in the dumps from both. And the weather. And just the sheer monotony of the every day. The house is cold. And dark. I scratched my face shaving a couple of days ago and haven’t been able to shave since because I don’t want to just scrape the scabs off. It’s healing, though.

I’m opening the curtains as much as possible.

I’m trying to eat more citrus. I don’t know if that helps or anything but to hell with it, I’m doing it.

The wife is pushing to go see family this weekend, there’s a birthday party for a former neighbor. We went up last month for said funeral. We’ll go up in April for Easter’s. Making the whole idea of going to Michigan worse is that our oldest is at his dad’s this weekend, my niece won’t be around for my daughter to see because she’ll be off doing stuff. And at some point the in-laws want to do a birthday party thing for me, one of the other in-laws, and I don’t know who else.

I’ll be 39. I don’t give a shit about my birthday any more, especially if it means having to stay and do more stuff back at “home.” I’d rather just stay at my actual home.

What sucks is that I know I’ll probably be going to see family this weekend. I really just don’t want to be on the road like that.

down and out in the living room

February 21, 2019

We’ve been sick here for going on two weeks now. Well, I have been. The Girl brought home a head coldish thing with the runny nose and what not. Eventually I got it (of course).

Now it refuses to leave.

I thought the worst was over. The runny nose is (mostly) gone. The hacking cough is (mostly) gone. Never a fever that I know of. But today I just feel unconscious. I have no energy. I have no push. I have nothing. I just want to crawl back into bed. I’ve medicated myself. Got nothing. I’ve taken a nap. Didn’t really help. Took a shower. Ditto.

Just blah. Been a year of constant sickness and I’m just tired of it.

talks of circadian rhythm

February 12, 2019

I’m apparently going to be up now. I’ve been up for a little over an hour, it’s now 532am. I don’t know why I woke up when I did, I only had a little over four hours of sleep at the time, but I did. It was that hard, snap awake. The kind you know you’re not going to recover from. so I just got up. checked on the kids. Took the dog out. Somehow ate an hour away like that. For waking up so early, I feel like I’ve already lost time today.

Feels like I just lose time every day lately. Try to move forward, take two steps back. Keep having appointments pop up and they are never for the time I thought they were. It feels like everyone is just randomly changing appointment times on me, but I know I probably just wrote the wrong time down on the calendar.

Had to make decaf this morning because the wife is working from home. Caffeine is like gasoline for her. She has it in the morning, she says it keeps her up in the evening. Can’t sleep. I don’t understand it, really. I think I’ve just inured myself to it. The caffeine, that is. I go through a pot of it most days. I think it picks me up at the time. I think. But it definitely doesn’t keep me up nights.

Listening to REM right now.  About to sign out of this. Maybe take a shower. Had to look up the meaning of inured. I put it down without thinking and worried I didn’t know what it actually meant. I knew it, though. Oddly reassuring. Maybe update later with a real update. I even have pictures, if I can figure out how to put them into these things.

If not, have a good day folks.

corn fritters

February 11, 2019

More notes from the funeral a week ago. We took a substantial amount of food from the in-laws, mostly sides that we later discovered only I would eat (my wife hates onions, The Boy hates everything outside of four staples – pizza, tuna melts, pizza, and Arby’s, and The Girl is four. She eats like four year olds which is just mercurial and odd).

This included a massive foil tub of corn, I assumed canned, that looked to be dumped into the tin, heated up, and plopped on the table. Yeah, it was pretty plain. I’m not a huge fan of plain corn, though The Girl, embracing her fourness, pouted to school on morning because she really liked corn and really wanted corn. She got corn later.

A four year old only eats so much corn, though. I had to find something for it. I hit upon a recipe for corn fritters, which I altered a bit, but not really enough to share either fully as my own or as someone else’s. The basics of the batter was 3-1-1 with three parts corn kernals to one part milk and one part flour. The consistency turned out well, and if I make more fritters, I’d probably start with a similar ratio to go along with whatever I’m chucking in with it.

They turned out a bit bland. We didn’t think of this going in, but we did think that the fritters wouldn’t be enough of a meal for the wife and I so we also microwaved a packet of this dal bhakara (black lentil curry). I don’t get anything for clicking on the amazon link, btw, it’s just the first thing I found with what we used. It provided the right amount of spice to make the fritters really palatable.

It ended up being a decent little meal, and it used up the majority of the leftover corn. Which was oddly important to me. For whatever reason, being given this food that was leftover from the funeral felt like something that needed to be used and not just thrown away. That there was something a bit extra to this that needed to not be wasted. It was nice finding a way of using up the majority of the corn before it just aged itself out and had to be tossed.

Trying to keep a dot journal

February 8, 2019

Since the beginning of February I’ve been trying to keep a better day to day account of my life. Once, long ago, I had the wholly unrealistic thought that this blog would do that, but it was just such a time suck that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t update every day. Then it became stressful because there were the eventual days where there just wasn’t enough to say to warrant a blog post. So, I’d sit and stare at this empty box, trying to find something to fill it with and not succeeding. It was lousy.

But I still feel the need to try to keep some account of my life, just as a way of seeing where I am at, where I have been, and the steps I take every day to try to get to where  I want to end up. Also, it’s just kind of nice to have a list every day for what I did. Too often it feels as if nothing happened, that the day was just totally wasted, even if I did do something, like five loads of laundry, making dinner, getting the kids to/from whatever they have going on, etc.

What gave  me a push for this is that my wife has been keeping one for over a year now. It’s this big, crazy thing with all sorts of lists, and drawings, and I don’t know what all. It’s something way too ambitious for me, but I liked the freedom of the form without pre-printed lines, boxes, headings, etc.  The dots make it easy to create my own boxes and whatever, to find whatever form I need to fit my needs.

I’m still finding my way with this thing. I want to add a section to start doing weekly menus. I don’t know how other folks are, but we tend to have various food stuffs in the kitchen where we have 3/4 of the ingredients for any dish but miss 1/4 of ingredients we most desperately need. My goal is to be able to pare back on the extra food in the kitchen and to cut back on our grocery bills by having more focused needs from week to week.

this sort of planning does not come naturally to me, though. It’s really hard for me to get into this habit and to embrace, though I know it will take a fair amount of stress out of my life. Trying to decide what to do for supper shouldn’t be stressful, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it becomes one. And then there are a lot of days lately where I just don’t want to fix anything.

Hopefully, I can get into this. And then I will start updating with more home made food successes/failures. Hopefully. Off to do laundry.

So, it was a funeral

February 4, 2019

It was a long weekend of going “home” to a funeral for an in-law’s spouse’s father. Niece was having a tough time of it, the nephew was a bit young to really cadge on to what was happening or the implications of it. Which was probably for the best.

We let The Boy have screens for the weekend, despite his grades, because other kids would have them and making it possible for him to fit in a bit easier takes precedence over enforcing what is a weeks long punishment. He is obscenely bright. Despite his difficulties he routinely tests over the 95th percentile in every subject. But he also refuses to do the work necessary to bring home school grades at all in line with his abilities. We’ve recently started him on some ADHD meds, hoping they help allow him to draw in and do what’s necessary to get better grades.

When he reads something, it just seems to go through his eyes and out his ears. He picks up and remembers a rough sketch of what he read, but he’s unable to readily go beneath that. Give him a question about the reading and his written response is often not answering the question given, but if you ask him verbally he works out the answer. So the answer is there he just has a very difficult time accessing it, I guess. We’re really hoping the meds help with this in some way.

Back to the weekend, though. And his adventure with video games. He has a really tough time handling video games and maintaining the ability to interact with people on a functional level. Something he would disagree strongly with but, well, yeah. We have things like this weekend to offer as counter evidence.

What makes it worse is that one of his favorite games updated recently and he had invested a lot of emotional capital into playing it this weekend. So, any time this investment was threatened the reaction wasn’t pretty. By the end of the weekend he was spending time in his room upset over being told he was being obsessive with his game playing and huffing and blowing around the house when told to put the game system away.

For some reason The Wife was leery of pushing the meds over the weekend. I’m thinking it might have been a mistake, but maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. It’ll be interesting to watch him the next week or so, in and out of school, to see if his behavior noticeably alters with the stuff. We were warned it might not, that these meds might just not do anything, or that the dose might be too small.

To be honest, I am to the point where I sort of just need something to work. The combination of the ADHD/spectrum-y things and just the natural crazy teenagery things he does is just getting too psychologically and emotionally exhausting for me. Especially when his 4 year old sister has been going through a spell lately of her own growth spurt craziness.

on the bright side, we got our camera back this weekend. We forgot it the last time we were up. Look forward to taking more pics.

A Peek Beneath the Lid

February 1, 2019

We have a funeral to go to this weekend. Relation of relation. He’s Catholic, so there’s a lot of stuff going on with the viewing and the burial, a Rosary, a trip to a church for something. As you can tell, I’m not exactly religious. I know we have to go, I’m not sure what’s going on. Not what this post is about, though.

It’s made me wonder what to do with my own funeral. With the funerals of others, if/when they go, that I will have to have an actual hand in. I’m trying to decide if I want any sort of burial at all. A viewing might be okay, some sort of memorial. maybe instead of my corpse, just a big picture and a lot of food for people to drop by and chat for a bit, if they feel up to it. I don’t know.

Also trying to imagine what my mom would want. We don’t have much family alive, neither of us are really religious in any way, or have ever been. So it’s not like there are any rites to perform, any ceremonies we feel an obligation to.

I honestly have an increasingly difficult time feeling as if it matters to me at all. It’s often been told to me that all of this stuff is for the living more than the dead, which seems sort of obvious. I don’t know. in the end, it might just come down to money for a lot of it. not sure I like the idea of a lot of money spend on my funeral in any way. Seems a waste.