Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

ambition

May 21, 2009

It seems like my life is filled with examples of  a lack of ambition or a lack of self-confidence. My girlfriend doesn’t force herself to sit down and write despite always saying she wants to be published, be a writer, etc. I have another friend pursuing a PhD in Creative Writing who basically has to be forced to write by whatever program she in. I don’t apply to nearly enough jobs to actually find employment and, though I don’t want to be a writer and don’t overly care about being published, I’m the only one who writes on any sort of a consistent basis.

Maybe this is why the whole college degree thing hasn’t been worth much. A combination of not knowing what to do with it and not a shitload of ambition to do something with it. 

Or maybe college was something that was never really meant for me and the string of bad luck since starting at UT is life’s way of informing me of this.

Looking back at high school, I think of how vo-tech was looked down on. It was seen as a place to send kids to get the credits they need to get their high school diploma while getting them out of actual classes. The good that could come from these vocational courses were never really mentioned. They were treated as the alternative for kids who didn’t like to read or add.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I wish I had the good sense to have went to vo-tech and gotten trained in something. Auto mechanics, electricians, plumbing, who cares. Taking those classes in high school I could have graduated with a certificate in whatever, then did my apprenticing, if need be, and been pulling down some good cash for at least the past five years. 

I probably could have bought a home.

I could have been saving money for vacations or even for retirement.

I’m not even sure retirement will ever be an option now.

and my girlfriend is entirely oblivious to this as she wants to do some more degree hunting.

A lesson to everyone out there, especially the boys: get yourself trained in something where you will get work and get paid. Women can wait. Watch out for yourself first and treat your cock well – in other words, wear condoms. The babymaker is a first class way of screwing up your life.

and getting several english degrees. don’t do that, either. If you don’t get some sort of certificate for a trade then get a degree in, at worst, accounting or some computer stuff. The world loves it some computers now.

Over and out from the disaffected wastelands.

Advertisements

Dream Drinking and finding cubed elderly

May 10, 2009

The past couple of days I’ve remembered a couple of my dreams beyond those first few moments of consciousness when the two worlds of our perceptively real and perceptively unreal mix and have their boundaries blurred. Often when I dream I reach this point, and the few moments after, and I remember the dream and then it slowly fades into the ether. But now a couple of days later and they are still with me to some degree.

in one dream, I started telling time with the old movie trick of repeating an action over and over while changing details to denote the passage of time. I was buying liquor. One bottle at a time I dreamed of going in and buying a new drink.  Bottle after bottle the shelves were gradually emptied. I don’t know how much time supposedly passed in my dream edits but it was a fair amount and I remember occasionally looking into my wallet and seeing a fat stack of cash thinned down to scraggly bills. And the hell of it was that I wasn’t even buying liquor I liked. It all looked like vodka and gin and I don’t care for either of them. Even in my dreams I just buy the cheapest drunk I can.

then in my second dream, the events were actuially fairly short but it felt as if the dream pulled out for hours. We couldn’t get my grandma on her phone so my mom and I went over and I got out of the car and walked up to the door and when I opened it I wasn’t really shocked as I saw exactly what I expected to see, only the form she took was a bit different. Grandma was dead in her chair but she looked like some cubist reconstruction of death, her body contorted andshaped in ways she would have never been capable of in this real world. And she was wearing yellow which I also found fairly odd. And that is where the dream ended.

I’m not sure if one caused the othe and the stories were told out of order or what. Or if one is a bizarre premonition of something that is to come, though I can’t imagine myself drinking a lot of bad liquor for no reason. I don’t know. But there you have it. My dreams lately.